Jake Tells of Contractions and Man-Tears!

So, the ol’ ball and chain (My Mum, that is) told me that I should write up the story of my friend Pearl squeezing her baby out the ol’ vag. I don’t know how Mom usually writes these things, kind of like she’s telling you a story in past tense from first person view, so I guess I’ll try to lower myself to such a primitive writing style.  

I’m used to writing fiction and stuff, not writing blog posts and junk. 

It was just a regular Monday at 10:45 in the AM.  I had just been let out of math.  Actually, let me go backwards a little more.  I had the best weekend ever.  Spent it with Travis, my Craigslist best friend and bassist for the band Tomorrow Can Wait™ (I’m the lead guitarist ^_^), the super-pregnant girl Pearl, and her annoying friend who she doesn’t really like, BitchFace.

From left to right:
Travis, Carmen (Pearl's sister), BitchFace, Pearl, Me

We went to the mall and I made a Build-A-Bear named Mr. Roadkill. We hung out for a while at the mall.  (Mom, don’t get mad at this next sentence)  Saturday was Pearl’s due date, and Travis and I wanted to be there for her, so I asked my mom if I could spend the weekend at Travis’ house... Sooo.... Travis and I spent the next couple of nights at Pearl's house (Love you, mom.). 

(Mom's note- This is the part where I think, "yeah, I probably would have not allowed that, yet in retrospect, what's the big deal? What is he going to do, get her pregnant?)

I left Pearl's on Sunday because of school, and I wish I had gotten more sleep than I did.  Just as my math class ended on Monday morning, I got a text from Pearl saying “My contractions are closer together and my mom’s taking me to the hospital!!! :)” 

As soon as I read that, I gave my mom a call, which went something like this--

“Hey mom, I got two problems that only you can fix. I’m going to go see Pearl in the hospital, but I ONLY have enough gas to get from school and back for the rest of the week.  Also, I don’t know how to get to the hospital.”

She whines about the gas money thing A LOT..... oh wait she’s reading this. Dammit!  I should’ve never started writing this… it’s going to get me in so much trouble.)

Me meeting up with Travis

I got to the hospital and found a place to park. After getting my I.D. sticker, on which my name was cruelly misspelled, I went straight to Labor and Delivery.  I passed the waiting room and heard my name called loudly from behind.  I turned around and there was Travis running towards me with his arms held out yelling “We’re having a baby!!” while hugging me.  By the way, Travis isn’t the dad, and neither am I. The dad ran out months ago, so when Travis says “We’re having a baby!!” he means he and I are having a baby.

Pearl at the park with my jacket on her backwards

We waited in the waiting room for a bit before finding out that they were going to send her home.  

Travis and I took Pearl for a walk through her neighborhood to try to get things moving (but mainly so Travis could play at the park).  As we walked back toward her house, Pearl’s head started to hurt and she felt light-headed.  Travis helped me hold her up, and I called her mom to come and pick us up.

At the house, Angela (Pearl’s mom) called the doctor to say we would be bringing Pearl back in in the next thirty minutes.




While I got Pearl something to drink, Angela and Travis got her ready to leave. We had to be quick because we had to take Pearl’s two friends home.  It was right around this time when Pearl’s mom got a text from BitchFace.  I forgot what it entailed, although she’s very nosy and tries to involve herself in business that isn't hers, so I remember it pissing Angela off. 

Angela drove faster than she usually does (which is already fast).   The problem with dropping the friends off is that one of them lives RIGHT across the street from BitchFace, and if BitchFace saw us, she would want a ride, and thus would involve herself in business that was clearly not her own.   

The friend quickly got out of the van so we could haul ass out of there.  And just as we pulled out of the apartment complex, Travis points to the side of the road and yells “Dude, look it’s BitchFace!”

I asked him, “Did she see us?” 

He replied with, “Yep bro, she looked back and then looked back a second time!”
Great, I know right?!

 (Mom's note- OMG)

So now we were at the hospital the second time.  Travis and I sat worriedly in the waiting room while Angela and Pearl saw the doctor.  

I got a text from Angela saying they were going to give her medicine and send her back home (It was supposed to induce labor or something like that) and they wanted her to come back in six hours. She took the medicine at around 8 PM which means we were going back to the hospital at 2 AM. 

I ALSO got a text from Angela saying BitchFace was in the room with her. Apparently, she saw us and then called a taxi.... see what I mean? 

Cuddlin' 

Pearl’s mom came back up to the waiting room and sent me down to the room with Pearl and Travis before they sent her back home.  As I walked in, I felt right at home. Pearl was lying down on a couch and Travis was touching everything his little 8-year-old self could get a hold of. 

Teenage, homeschool, shenanigans

By the way, Travis isn’t 8.  He’s 18 years old….. with no mental disability.  He just never really grew up.  Damn homeschooled kids... But as he was pulling his teenager shenanigans, I decided to cuddle up with Pearl. (Aww, I’m so sweet!)





We all headed back to Angela’s house (Including CuntNugget, oops sorry, BitchFace.)  I called my mom and Travis called his dad so we could let them know that we were staying the night so we could be there when we took her back to the hospital.

Pearl, being as tired as she was, went to sleep in her bed very early.  Travis and I took that opportunity to walk to his house and grab a bite to eat.  A bite to eat with us was making hamburgers with meatballs, of course.

We got back to Pearl's house around 9 PM and stayed up the rest of the night. 

When it was time to go back to the hospital, we loaded up the van again, Travis grabbed our crap, and I sat next to Pearl so that I could hold her hand during her contractions. (Aw, this makes me sound so sweet!)  (Mom's note- Gag!)

Her contractions were like three minutes apart and stuff.  (Mom's note- …..and stuff)

Travis was grabbing my shoulder excitedly saying “We’re having a baby!” Pearl tried not to laugh so she could breathe.  

When we got there, Angela parked in the Active Labor section where the wheelchairs were. As Travis grabbed all our things, Angela said “Step-baby daddy, you push her in the wheelchair.” 

(Now, this has been going on for a while, them calling me the ‘Step-baby daddy’. Hell, when I finally got home late Tuesday, Mom said “How’d it go, step-daddy?")

I pushed Pearl in the wheelchair, and since I was the one pushing her, I didn’t have to sign in as a visitor yet. I took her to go get checked in and wound up having to answer all the questions for her because she was so quiet. I also made sure no one could get to her if they called and asked questions (like the real dad). While the guy was doing the paperwork, Angela, Travis, and BitchTits caught up with us. (Oops, I mean BitchFace.) 

(This is the part where Pearl’s mom asked me about my lip piercing: “So, have you ever been kissing a girl and she just bites the shit out of it and tries to rip the fucker out?” At the exact same time, me and Travis both point to Pearl.)

Waiting room

 While Angela and Pearl got settled in the room, BitchFace, Travis, and I waited in the waiting room that we already knew so well. 

Now, let me tell you, Travis and I are very supportive friends, but BitchFace only thinks of herself. You should hear her when she talked to Pearl before this. It was like she was trying to have Pearl’s pregnancy for her; which is funny because she has a fiancé and a child of her own who she has barely seen in three or four days, also whom she can’t afford.

After a few minutes, I got a text from Angela saying that Pearl wanted to see me. Travis gave me a supportive bro-shake while BitchFace gave me this pissy little cunt look that just made me want to beat the hell out of her face.

I went back to Pearl’s room and traded places with Angela. Pearl looks (and I did NOT tell her this) like she got hit by a fucking truck. She was lying there in the robe thingy, barely awake, and pale. The nurse came in and told her that she needed to walk, so I took her up and down the hallway, stopping every time she had one of those contraction things (which I still don’t know what they are). 

  

Chillin'

We walked into the waiting room for a while so Pearl could see her friends and her Momma, but the minute we walked into the waiting room, BitchFace flashed me the most pissed off look.  And what did I do? I mouthed the words, just barely able to hear them, behind Pearl’s back “Fuck off.” (Mom's note- I taught him well!)

We sat and watched TV for a while until I had to take Pearl back to her room.  We had to walk through the Geriatric area to get to Labor and Delivery, so I hummed Chopin’s Funeral March the whole way. One old lady puked, too.  Everywhere.  A couple nurses had to get all up in there and clean it up.  I’m super seriously, you guys.  (Mom's note-  Dude.  He’s super seriously. You guys.  And stuff.)

Sleepy

As I sat with Pearl and we waited for her Mom to come back to the room, I tried to calm her, telling her that everything was going to be fine and nothing would go wrong. She told me how glad she was that I was here for her….. Makes me want to cry. :’(





Back in the waiting room, Travis and I tried to stay busy while ignoring BitchFace.  She whined on and on about one thing or another until she finally decided she was hungry and left.  Travis and I decided to come up with a “zero birthday party” for Jade (her baby), counted the few dollars in cash we had, and left. In scarves, hoods, and thin jackets, the two of us walked in the middle of the night- in the cold and pouring rain- going from store to store looking for a cupcake and number 0 birthday candle.  We finally found the candle but still didn’t have a cupcake when I remembered her mother saying Pearl likes things with cream cheese in them, so we finally found a 99-cent cheese Danish at a tobacco store.   Fortunately, we were able to escape without being shot at.  

Pearl slept off and on.  Her neighbor visited for a while and she, her mother, Travis, and I talked and watched the sun rise.  It was right around that time that Pearl woke up and the painful, rapid contractions started.  Her neighbor stood behind her, rubbing her back, and her mom held her hand. I looked over at Travis and I swear (although I don’t think he would admit it) he had the most blank, painful look about him. I know I did, too, but at least I will admit it. :p 

But this is what gets me-  As I watched Pearl in all this pain and stuff, when she was able to open her eyes, she looked at me and then back at her mom.  Her mom whispers to her, “Do you want him to hold your hand?” Pearl nodded her head.  Her Mom got up, and I sat on the stool and held her hand. 

Travis and I occasionally exchanged worried looks. All the women in the room were all “Oh, it’s the miracle of life” and shit.  I’m all “The hell it is!” 

While I was holding her hand, she started coughing, so I held this kidney-shaped yellow container to her mouth so she could throw up if she needed to.

I felt a little alone with Pearl because she was feeling the actual pain, and all I could do was watch and see how badly it was hurting her.  The women were like “Ooh, she’s going to have a baby, and cluck cluck cluckidy cluck!”  I just stood there and held back some…. well…. great, this is going to make me sound less manly, but I definitely had to hold back some man-tears.  I saw one form in Pearl’s eye, roll down her nose sideways, and drip off.  That’s when holding back got a lot harder.

Travis texted Angela from the waiting room.  His dad had gotten us breakfast on his way to work and dropped it off.  I was starving, so she told me to ahead. I looked at Pearl, and she was cringing because she was in so much pain. She told  me to go ahead..  I told her I’d be back as soon as possible.

I ran down the hall to the waiting room, wiping my eyes on my shirt. Travis sat at a small circular table munching on an egg and cheese biscuit from Hardee’s.  He said “Dude, I’m glad my dad called, I couldn’t take much more of that, I almost broke down!”

When we finished eating, the two of us ran back up to Pearl’s room.  At that point, she was yelling because it hurt so badly. The nurse laid a towel over Pearl’s lap and spread her legs. “Okay boys, get anything you need and go back to the waiting room.” Angela said. “Things are getting exposed.” 

Travis and I grabbed our things, and right before we left, we took one last look at Pearl. “Bye Pearly.” I said. “We love you, Pearl,” said Travis.  As we turned our backs to leave, we heard, faint and weak, Pearl trying to yell. “Love you guys too!”

Back in the waiting room, Travis took the time to nap; I took the time to try. I just can’t sleep in public places though, I don’t feel safe about it.

After tons of waiting, we were finally allowed to go in. Pearl was getting cleaned up, and her family showed up, all wanting to hold the baby. Travis said, “As scared as I am of dropping her, I have to hold her.”  I did, as well, and he took the picture of me. After Pearl had been given some time to rest, the nurses switched her to a different room. 

I had to go to school the next day, and Pearl’s great-grandma wanted to see the baby, so Travis and I gathered our things.  Right before we left, we opened the cheese Danish and stuck the candle on top.  Pearl loved it.