To Speak of Gilded Bells and Plastic Hearts

Today, I am going to talk about weddings.  So here we go.  For the most part, weddings are stupid.

And before you get all defensive, I am not here to be the uber-tough girl who disses on pink.  I’m not a tomboy who is too rock-n-roll  for lace and romance.   And I am certainly not here to be that one chick who claims to have very few female friends and loves to talk about how most women are fucking nuts.  Although, all of those things are true.  Actually, one of the first lessons I ever taught my boys about women and relationships was…. ahem…. “Bitches be trippin.”

Because it's true.  Dude.  Bitches totally be trippin.

And nothing.  Absolutely NOTHING.  Illustrates that point more than this: 

ReasonsWhy You Cannot Be A Bridesmaid   (read it, gasp, shit your pants)

Every single fucking reason why I hate weddings is illustrated in this letter.    Straight up.  Let’s start at the top, shall we?

1.        Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s just fucking ugly. 

Before shredding through the actual content of the letter, let’s look at Bridenazi’s intelligence.   Which will lead to one of my many beliefs regarding the modern wedding industry.  Obviously, the bitch be trippin, right.  She can barely string together a coherent sentence.  Unless she is a prostitute, I am really skeptical about this woman’s career prospects.  As such, her taste for the finer things in life is quite probably abysmally mismatched when it comes to her actual purchasing power.  Why does this matter, you ask?  Unless her dick-to-be is fucking loaded, I think it’s fair to assume this nutjob expects her parents to fork over the cash for her princess party.  Bingo.  What the ever-lovin’ FUCK of all FUCKS is this business about parents having to pony up the dough for this shit?  If the bride and groom cannot afford their own wedding, what the fuck are they doing then?  Now, you must be wondering how such a young couple should be expected to afford the wedding of the century?   They shouldn’t.  Which means they shouldn’t fucking have the wedding of the century.   Full fucking stop.   

Granted, if the parents WANT to fork over this kind of cash, well, yeah….  Then this woman’s attitude totally makes sense.  Clearly, she was raised this way. 

Having said that (that's code for "I'm about to be a bit of a hypocrite") My mom and my husband’s family teamed up for our wedding.  We were 17 and 18 years old.  Sarge had just come home from Army basic training and did not have much leave.  He and I were both totally fine with running to the courthouse.  Neither of us gave 2 shits in a bucket about any wedding.  Our wedding was a compromise of sorts for our families.  My mom’s attitude was “if you’re dead set on doing this, you’re at least going to do it right.”  She took me to the mall to get a dress.  It was all she could do to drag me there.  The actual thought of me having to wear a dress was tedious.  I think we bought the first one I tried on.  Dead serious.  We got pretty invitations printed up.  We held it in my grandmother’s side garden.  Sarge’s family own a plant nursery, so they decked it out with beautiful ferns and flowers.  Someone donated a cake, and my mom got whoredervs from a local restaurant.  The judge who officiated donated his services because he is a friend of the family.  We had a bonfire and music.  We opened our wedding gifts while sitting around the fire.  We were having so much fun chillin’ with our friends that my mom had to force us to leave.  We went to a hotel and ordered pizza, jumped on the bed, and watched cartoons.  Dead fucking serious.  I even brought my blankie with me. 

Thanks to the ingenuity of both our families, the whole affair probably didn’t even cost $500.   And I am hoping that Sarge and I have sufficiently repaid them over the years with our kick-ass kids and a few laughs.  Well, that and the fact that Sarge is a hero and all.  I mean.  You know.   

2.        “L— has a big role in throwing me a bridal shower and bachelorette party […]”

Holy shit.  Not only is there a wedding, but there are showers and parties and luncheons.   I don’t even know what to say to this.  I don’t get it and I never will.  A shower so people will buy you crap.  A bachelorette party so you can celebrate being single.  A wedding to do the deed.  A reception to get trashed and fuck after doing the deed.  Does that about sum it all up? 

3.       “Also if money is tight and you cant afford to contribute .…….then L— and Myself don't have time to deal with that, I'm sorry. This includes flights as well ……. so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid……. if you think by affordable its going to be a $25 forever 21 dress then your going to the wrong wedding.” [sic]

Again, I don’t even know what the fuck to say to this.  It’s so utterly daft and superfluous and…. and…. just disgusting.  And this bitch has no fucking clue.  No clue at all that she embodies the definition of the term “waste of oxygen.”  Is anyone involved in these kinds of productions aware of the things their money could go toward?  Saving lives, perhaps?  Feeding someone?  Sending an underprivileged child to college?  Or hell, even just giving a cash gift to the bride and groom so that they can begin to build successful lives?

4.       “….. but if its something important and it takes you a week even 2-3 days to get back to me seeeee ya!  I don't have time to wait around for responses, everyone has their phone on them, it shouldn't take you more than a day to get back to me, even if your out of the country, check your email!”

I have the unparalleled pleasure to now introduce you to “The Bridenazi.”  And why do people need this kind of notice and planning when it comes to weddings?  Quite simply, it is because of everything that makes these things a sickening display of indulgence and vapidity.    The showers.  The parties.  The dinners.  The luncheons.  The $$$-per-plate catering.  The tables with name cards.  The unreasonable expectation of perfection and the sense of terror inherent in the threat of it.  The whole thing is truly nauseating, both because of the amount of energy wasted on it and the grossly imbalanced level of importance placed on it. 

5.        “Furthermore, Ever since I could remember I have dreamed about this day all my life.”

And here we come to it.  (Ignoring, of course, the way she chewed up and spit out the English language like a fucking BOSS.)  This is why formal weddings are excused and justified.  Because little girls have dreamed of this day their whole lives.  Because they want to feel like a princess.  Because they want to parade around in wedding dress.  Because they want to be the center of attention for a day.  Because they want to remember this day for the rest of their lives.  I am sorry.  But honestly, none of these reasons justify anything.  Actually, what they do is paint humanity as a whole with a really fucking sad brush.  All of these reasons are pure narcissism.  A desire to play dress-up with reality, and maybe even avoid it.  A desire to disregard the planning for the marriage and replace it with planning for a wedding.  A desire to become established in a social group, or maintain it.  A desire for tradition, regardless of its pointlessness and emptiness. 

It doesn’t even take a Bridenazi like this, or even a wedding like this, to have successfully fed the insanity that is the entire wedding industry.   It is this kind of thinking that leads to phrases like, “My wedding day was the happiest day of my life,” and renders people completely oblivious to how pathetic that really is.  It is this kind of insanity that leads to the families of the newlyweds being in debt and emotionally exhausted before the rice even hits the ground, or the newlyweds themselves.   

I will say this.  It’s their money.  They can do whatever the fuck they want with it.  Flush it for all I care.   But think about this:   Either or both of these people are marrying someone who finds this sort of thing important.  They justify spending this kind of money for nothing more than the sake of tradition.  They find no fault in demanding this kind of vapid perfection or the shallow attitude being displayed in the pursuit of it.  And they have been this kind of person since they were little, because that is how long they have been dreaming of it.  These are the kind of people getting married.  These are the personalities vowing to spend the rest of their lives with each other.  These are the very same values they will instill in whatever children they raise.   And these are the very same hands that will nurture and grow the relationship born from this day. 

What would happen if people were as fierce and determined to fight for their marriages as they are in planning their wedding?