WARNING!- I say fuck a lot in this post. Like, A LOT. I say shit and ass, too. I think I say some other stuff, but I don't remember. I call everyone stupid, too. Even though you're probably not. Actually, if you're reading my blog, it is a certifiable fact that it is scientifically impossible for you to be stupid. But I really don't care. Soooo.... yeah. I also bold and italicize a bunch of shit all over the place, so if you have sensitive eyes and junk.... well.... fuck you.
Are you guilty? No, really. It's okay. We're all friends here. Hell, according to the Catholic Church, I am virtuous enough to take communion! I mean, I have a first communion dress and everything! You wanna watch me genuflect like a BOSS? Maybe some other time.
You know who you are. C'mon. Step up here in the front of the class so we can all destroy your self-image like good boys and girls.
Two words. Stop it. No, really. STOP IT. You sound abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. You’re trying to straddle the fence between caustically funny and inoffensive, but you are failing miserably. You cannot play in my yard without getting dirty. I am sorry. It just does not work that way. It does not make you sound edgy in a wholesome way. It makes you sound fucking stupid. It does not allow you to express yourself without crossing cultural or religious boundaries. It makes you sound fucking stupid.
I don’t know what your Sunday School teacher told you, but batcrap is not the godly equivalent to batshit. It just makes you sound fucking stupid.
As a disclaimer, crap by itself is perfectly acceptable. As are crapface and craptastic and crapper.
Are you a blogger trying not to alienate your audience? That’s stupid. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You either blog to an audience who will put up with your shit, or don't. Neither is wrong or right. But you must pick one. Otherwise, you just sound fucking stupid. Which you are. Fucking stupid, that is.
Are you a mother or father trying to keep a tidy mouth in front of the lit’luns? Telling your sweetie that she kicked butt on the spelling test is just fucking stupid. Stop it. STOP IT. The only thing worse than that is using kickbutt as a compound word in lieu of kickass. That is super fucking STUPID. You did not have a kickbutt time at the Sepultura concert. You had a KICKASS time! What’s your fucking problem, anyway? Are you a fucking crackhead?! But seriously. I’ve never been to a Sepultura concert. But dude! Can you imagine? It’s probably only the best concert, like, EVER!
As a disclaimer, using butt by itself is a little trickier than crap, but it's manageable in certain situations. Like, when you're getting a pap smear and the doctor tells you to "slide your butt all the way to the end of the table.... more.... more.... a little more.... juuuuuust a little more....." That is certainly acceptable, especially if it is a male doctor, simply because hearing some dude who's about to be elbow-deep in my ladyjunk with a gigantic Q-tip refer to my ass as an ASS kind of puts an uncomfortable spin on an already awkward situation. Ya know?
However, sillybutt, crazybutt, dumb-butt, and sweetbutt are absolutely STUPID. So. Stop it. STOP IT! Repeat after me- Sillyass! Crazyass! Dumbass! Sweetass! Doesn't that make you feel AWESOME! It's almost like you're a certified, grade-A BADASS!! But... you're not. Let's not get carried away, right?
Now, let's talk about the F word. The F bomb. The king of kings. The top dawg. That sweetass sweet 4-letter word that a boy named Trey Parker in KinderCare in Opelika, Alabama told me meant "touching tongues." What a fucking liar, he was! I'm super glad I didn't fuck him, though. His tongue probably had boogers on it! Can you imagine? I know, right? I do think my sweet Catholic grandmother almost genuflected at the pearly gates when I asked her what it really meant, though.
So anyway. I am sure you're dying to know if there are any acceptable substitutes for FUCKETY FUCKING FUCK, aren't you? I mean, it must really suck being completely left out of an entire world full of color and excitement. I know you feel as though it's just not fair that, just because you have standards, you will never know the feeling of those spicy tongue-tingles as they tumble out of your mouth and stab the world right in the ears! It's like..... you wanna be bad.... but, but..... you don't wanna get hurt. And the F-word.... well, you know, a properly-placed FUCK right at the perfect moment has been known to knock a motherfucker right in the junk. So, what are the virtuous supposed to do?
What about Fricking? Flipping? Freaking? Forking? Effing? NO! STOP IT! That's fucking STUPID! Consider this your official virtual pop in the goddamn dumbass motherfucking grill!
You can't be sorta bad. You can't be kinda edgy. You can't sample the cheesecake without the calories. And you sure as shit don't want your kids running around the house calling each other a dumb-butt poopy-face or saying, "Mommy, you're batcrap crazy if you think I'm gonna eat fried okra!" What the fuck kinda kids are you raising anyway? And what the FUCK is wrong with you for tryina make your kid eat fried okra for FUCK'S SAKE?!
Are you fucking STUPID? The answer is yes, by the way. Yes. You are fucking stupid. Now, listen to this song by Sepultura.