I am an absolutely terrible Army wife. I mean, really, really terrible. You would think I would get better at it as the years pass, yes? But alas, no. I have had almost 19 years to perfect my technique. Warm up to it. Learn some mad social skillz. Be a wicked awesome FRG leader. Or hell, at least show up to wifey things and be polite and junk. Pfft. Right.
Needless to say, I totally fucking suck in the Army wife department. No doubt, it's because of my raging case of pretentiousness and immaturity. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I am better than everyone, so why should I have to foul up my personal safety circle with substandard human fare?
But seriously. It really comes down to the fact that I am too enormous of a bitch to shut up for a second and just be pleasantly normal.
"Hi, I'm Aimee. It's SO RIDICULOUSLY FUCKAWESOME TO MEET YOU!!!!"
"Hi, I'm Aim--- wait, no, I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand. I think you're fucktardedness is contagious.... Hey.... Sarge! Yeah, I'm going to wait in the car.... BYE."
You see what I'm dealing with here? There is no in-between with me. I am just absolutely impossible to get along with. You know the saying, "doesn't play well with others?" Yeah. It was invented because of me.
We had a "Hail and Farewell" over the weekend. Ever been to one? They are utterly ridiculous. Almost as useless as FRG fundraisers. Mainly because NOTHING is as useless as FRG fundraisers. Except maybe family organizational day.... aka "Mandatory Fun Day." I am sure some folks would call me out. They'd ramble on about how it is important to foster a supportive milieu in which spouses and families have the opportunity to meet the chain of command, other families going through similar circumstances, blah, blah, BLAH.
You know what my response to that is?
Here. Pull my finger.
But seriously. The hail and farewell. You show up. Shake hands with people. Smile painfully. Wipe all the germs off your hand when no one's looking. Ensure the host that you are neither hungry nor thirsty. Soothe your inner "Boston Strangler" every time a baby cries. Listen to at least 5 people say, "Wow, I've finally met someone shorter than me!" without popping them in the grill. Desperately try to block it out every time you hear someone use the incorrect verb tense or mispronounce a word, but know that it is a hopeless endeavor that has eluded you since kindergarten, and you have no choice but to keep a running list in your head of people who must be killed. It's a long list, but you try very hard to digress. It's futile. Everyone must die.
Then, some self-important jerkoff stands up to begin the "formal" part of the thing. Now, I don't know dick about companies or brigades or units or battalions or whatever. So, I am just assuming that all these guys work together. Maybe it's a company? Or an office or something? Or maybe it's a company of guys who work in the same office? Or something? Whatever. Either way, self-important jerkoff then prattles off about which guys are leaving and which guys are new. Here's what it sounds like to me:
"...... blah, blah, blah..... this guy is awesome, look, here's his wife, they have 6 kids who are all awesome..... blah, blah..... he's from some hickass town no one cares about.... blah, blah.... he's taking over Captain Incredible's job over in the S14 shop.... or some shit.... oh! Check it out! Here's another fuckawesome guy.... this is mastersergeant captain America..... here's his wife and 20 kids who are all gingers..... isn't that fucking AWESOME??...... blah, blah, blah..... lieutenant sergeant colonel Batman is leaving after spending 6 years sitting behind this desk over here.... he pretty much rocks, too.... We all pretty much rock..... please eat all the food my wife cooked.... okay, now you can wander around aimlessly for the next 15 minutes to make sure everyone saw that you actually showed up, and then you can quietly sneak out the front door and spend the rest of your evening talking about how completely useless this was. Thanks!"
Yep. That's a Hail and Farewell.
And yep. I am a total failure as an Army wife.
Total. Fucking. Failure.