(Sorry, I photoshopped my raging headlights so you could focus more on our pure awesomeness rather than my erect nipples. I'm not saying my nipples are not worthy of your focus, but 'time and place' right?)
It has been proven. The human fight-or-flight response can last HOURS after initial onset.
My ankle looks like hell. It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. But between the 1/2 mile mark and the time I woke up this morning, it was the ankle of the muthafawkin' Terminator.
I pretty much knew I was screwed when I woke up yesterday. Didn't matter. It wasn't like the hamstring, which physically prevented me from performing the movements required to make a human body run. It just hurt like monkey nuts every time I put weight on it. But I could still run. I figured, either adrenaline would make it go away eventually or it would just continue to hurt. Either reality would not stop me from running and finishing. In a respectable time. Aside a group of other relatively fit-looking people (as opposed to that group of time-wasters who sign up for shit like this and then walk the whole thing). And I accomplished that, I think. The longest time in my division was 2 hours 12 minutes which, the way I see it, is only possible if you ain't got no legs. Poor girl with no legs!
Sarge and my time was 1:09:44. I'm certainly not ashamed of that. When you figure in the length of the actual course (3.08 mi normally takes me about 30 minutes), the 14 obstacles, the bottlenecks on the track where you get stuck behind walkers you can't pass, waiting at obstacles for people in front of you, and the fact that I did it on a fucking sprained ankle, I figure an hour and 9 minutes pretty much rocks. Not ashamed, not even a little.
The fastest finisher yesterday did it in 25 minutes. Oh gawd, really? Yeah. Well, Sarge and I explained it away fairly easily. Clearly, that inhuman race-tard was in the first heat of the day, and obviously stayed in first place during the whole 3 miles in order to get to each obstacle first and while it was still in pristine condition. Duh! In that case, even the girl with no legs could do it in 25 minutes! Right? Am I right or am I right? I know, right?!
The "fucking sprained ankle" part up there was your cue to be amazed by my physical prowess and mental discipline, by the way. Just in case you didn't catch that part. I mean, I know Sarge has MS and all that nonsense, but did you read that?? SPRAINED ANKLE! Helloooo?
What can I say? You should do this. All of you. Everyone. Should do this. It is the most fun I have had since the last time I had fun! Which was probably a few days ago!! Exclamation points rock!!!
But seriously. We didn't train for this. Not at all. Not even a little. The only "training" was my usual running and yoga. All that upper body strength I thought I didn't have? Holy shit! It was just ooooooozing outta me like snot on a 3-year-old. I climbed high stuff with ropes and junk! I pulled myself up on floating things in freezing water too deep for me to touch!
For a minute there, I actually reconsidered the notion that I rendered myself a completely useless human being during a zombie apocalypse when I got my tubes tied because the only thing I would have been good for was propagation of the species. Now I can climb stuff! That's important, right? I can run on a sprained ankle! That will keep me alive for at least a few extra minutes. I can slide down a huge, grown-up sized Slip-n-Slide! Oh, who am I kidding. If grown-up sized Slip-n-Slides don't trump maximizing your Roth IRA contributions on your "shit that is super important" list, then you are a completely useless human being and should be exterminated. You can quote me on that.
So, what have I learned this weekend?
Climbing stuff is AWESOME!
If you keep running on your sprained ankle for long enough, it will stop hurting and magically go away, despite what that quack doctor told you!
Dumbass people sign up for this shit and walk the whole thing.
Sarge and I are superhuman and look smoking hot covered in mud.
If you decide to plunge yourself into a body of water without a shred of hesitation or forethought, be warned that the likelihood of it teetering on the brink of freezing and too deep for you to touch ANYWHERE is close to about 90%.
I will be picking mud boogers out of my nose for at least another week.
The vanilla bean cheesecake at TGI Friday's is officially the most magical thing I have ever put in my mouth (Sorry Sarge).
Adult-sized Slip-n-Slides are the pinnacle of human engineering achievement and should be made available and accessible to all of humanity. For it is in adult-sized Slip-n-Slides that we shall find our true nirvana.
You can quote me on that.
I am impressed. Incredibly so. A sprained ankle is a killer almost as painful as a paper cut. And those are sheer evil almost as painful as a blister. Man, I hate blisters more than I hate rug burns. So, where does that put an ankle sprain? I don't know. I got all confused with hellish pains...
ReplyDeleteCongrats on beating the chick without legs! Imagine being beat in a race by a chick with no legs? That's be like losing an eating contest to a 85 year old lady with no teeth and indigestion! Which is worse than having me commenting on your blog. Obviously.
Whatever! You make me feel like less of a tool when my comments go off the deep end and into the realm of what-the-fuck. Oh yes, I am quite skilled at that, as well. I would agree with the paper cut assessment, unless of course the paper cut is in the webbing between your fingers, then the paper cut wins hands down. And interestingly enough, blisters have stopped me mid-run many times and sent me limping back home. Wow... kinda put shit into perspective...
ReplyDeleteDAMN girl you seriously rock!!! The only "thing" I'm gonna "climb up on"is my husband's member. That will be my 30 minutes of exercise for the day.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!!! I did the Warrior Dash a few months back and it was the most amazing, challenging, crazy thing I have ever done and I cannot wait to do it again!! I ran fully heathly and came in at 1:01, so 1:09 on a sprained ankle...you freaking rock!!!!
ReplyDeleteDid you get to jump over fire?
NICE! Ok, the ankle thing sucks monkey balls, but the rest of it is awesome! I seriously would need a team to haul me over those obstacles. I can crawl under, but no climbing here. I've never had any kind of ability to do anything with a rope besides slide down it after jumping......... go you!
ReplyDelete