May 13, 2012

Happy Forgot-The-Pill Day!

May 13, 2012

It is Mother's Day.  For all of you uninitiated.   Or non-American.  Or sans-children.  Or otherwise just don't-give-a-shits. 

For the most part, I classify myself as a "Just-Don't-Give-A-Shit."  I'm probably the president of the JDGAS. 

That's it!  I'm making a new club.  The JDGAS!  I'm the president.  I'm also the president of the FYAOA. 

The Fuck You Association of America. 

And the KMASOFUB.

The Kiss My Ass Society of Fucked Up Bitches. 

Now I'm just making shit up because I'm bored. 

So anyway.  I forgot what I was going to write. 

Oh right!  So.  Sarge and I are doing the Warrior Dash this Saturday!!  It's pretty much gonna ROCK.  We even got a swanky hotel room for the night.  Only because I waited too long and all the other hotels were sold out.  But dude, I'm not complaining about the swank.  The hot tub is going to be sweet like candaaaaaay after 3 miles of falling on my face and catching myself on fire.

Did I mention I am a nonsmoker?  Yeah.  For a whole month, I think.  No cheating.  It's true!  I feel the same and all.  Although I have noticed that running seems even more fun than usual lately.  Not sure if its all the extra oxygen or maybe I'm ovulating.  Everything kind of seems like Mr. Rodgers is shitting rainbows when your body is begging you to procreate. 

Sarge is the bomb, by the way.  I mean, seriously.  He's like a rock star.  Except when he was poking me with a cattle prod in the kitchen a couple hours ago.  He was all like, You need my help making dinner?  Don't you think you should use another egg or two?  You sure that's enough zucchini?  I think we need more rice, you want me to make some?  Is dinner almost ready?

He excused himself to take a shower.  After the whole "Please don't kill me" kiss.  You know the one. 

So anyway.  I still haven't called my mom.  Because I'm pretty much a skankmonkey bitch who has forgotten to call her mommy.  I shall remedy that forthwith.   FORTHWITH, I SAY!

I was looking for a cute mommy picture to put here.  But I couldn't find one.  Because back when my kids were wee little, I used to be fat.  Like, really fat.  And I refused to stand in front of a camera.  So, I kind of don't exist before somewheres around 2008. 

But I found this picture.  And if this shit doesn't melt your heart, you are a heartless alien donkey dick from the planet IFuckingHateStuff. 


Shed a tear, my lovelies, for 19-year-old Sarge and 1-week-old Jake.   This made me a mother. 



Well.  Okay.  That and sex.  Lots and lots of sex. 

4 comments:

  1. Awww! How sweet! 19? SeriouslY??!! Awesome post, I haven't posted in forever. And two of my friends did the warrior dash last year and there's a picture of one of them RUNNING THORUGH FIRE!!! So awesome, have fun. Wear something fireproof.

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  2. Yeah, like you were evah fat.

    Sweet pic.

    How much does it cost to join the fucked-up bitches society? Can I be the secretary?

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  3. I called my mom yesterday. She thought it would be wise to give me painful details of her recipes on moussaka and spanakopita as I'm sitting on my boat calling her from Mexico... I love my mom to shreds, but do I really care if her new recipe calls for cottage cheese? I wanted to hear about how my sister got drunk and spilled a huge glass of red on her beloved table cloth...

    ;)

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  4. ♥ That is all. {and good for you for quitting! THE hardest thing I've ever done!}

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Suck on my crap