Rant of an Uncultured Biotch

March 2, 2012

I don't like John Lennon. *Gasp!* I'll let that sink in for a second.

K. Now, go change your pants because I know you peed a little.

K. Better?

That's right. I don't. At least post-Beatles. To be specific, I think he was a pretentious, pussy-whipped idealist. Probably bordering on communist. And his post-Beatles music sucked balls. Even Imagine. No, especially Imagine.

Go change your pants again.

I know, right! It's almost heretical. Certainly blasphemous. But if you know me, it makes sense. The quickest way to force me to second guess pop culture deities is for society to turn someone into a pop culture deity. I have this switch in my brain that forces me to take a few steps back and analyze the mass hysteria from afar, and separate the sheep from their shepherd. At least in my own mind.

But more than that, I just don't dig his music. And the words to Imagine? Ahem. Don't force me to sit here and dissect that shit. Let's just say it sells itself better than an appletini in a room full of menopausal cougars.

What would I rather listen to instead?  They're angry! They're disenfranchised! They're fuckawesome in concert!  Their social commentary doesn't include lying in the bed naked with their talentless wives in posh New York apartments!




Ahem. Ok. One more time. You ready?

I don't like Adele. *Gasp!* You might just wanna change into some Depends to finish reading this.

To tell you the honest truth, I'd never heard anything she sang until today. TODAY. Yeah. For reals. Jake listens to her. He's been trying to get me to listen to her for the longest time and finally had a captive audience on the way to the grocery store this morning. I really tried. No, really. I did. I gave her a fair shot. I stayed quiet. I listened with an objective mind. And then I just couldn't hold the laughter in any longer.

Holy shit-flinging monkies! The woman sounds like a cow in heat! Seriously. She actually sounds like she is mooing through the entire song.  And do you know what Jake had the balls to say?  "She's like The Cure, just more modern, and she's a chick."  Oh.  OH.

OH.  Yeah, he went there.  He totally fucking went there.  And before he got that whole ball of monkey shit out of his mouth, I hear the cow whining through my truck speakers and it actually sounded like she was TRYING TO COVER A CURE SONG.  What the FUCK is this?!

I am well aware, and have been for a while now, that my kids are smarter and much more cultured than I.  Hell, Andrew even makes his own SUSHI for cryin out loud!  Like, with the bamboo mat and avocados and raw fish and junk!  My fat ass hasn't even crawled out the trailer park long enough for me to even like sushi, okay?

So surely, this is just another example of my lack of culture and my inability to know talent when I hear it, because every woman between the ages of 15 and 50 who has ever had a broken heart (or ever had a period) seems to love Adele.  Well, every woman between 15 and 50, and Jake.  I am only assuming Jake has never had a period.

Not only am I completely incapable of recognizing her obvious talent, but I couldn't even finish a song without laughing.  It was that bad.

So what would I rather listen to? Only the best Cure cover ever in the history of EVER! There's growling! Muppets! Cool hair! Wicked feedback! And NO COWS!




I know what you must be thinking.


Is she a real woman?

Is she even human?

Don't worry.  I'm not.  Your opinions remain safe and valid.  It is mine that are clearly warped.  And just to prove it to you, I will leave you with my opinion of the best movie moment ever in the history of ever by the hottest woman who has ever crawled on all fours.... ever.... in the history of ever.