March 24, 2011
It is no revelation to many of you that I have a little... ummm.... problem. With my height. I'm sure all of this will be quite redundant for you. So, if you've known me since I was a little shit dropping my pencil in Mrs. Shambley's class, seductively enticing you to look up my dress when I bent over to pick it up, and then telling on you, you can just go ahead and click out of this and read something else. Yeah, buddy. I'm callin' you out. I know you're here. You love me. Don't lie.
Right. Anyway. It seems I have quite a few new minions all up in my shit lately, so I figured I'd revisit this little issue of mine.
To be specific, I am 4 feet 6 inches tall. Stop laughing. STOP IT. I'm not a midget, a dwarf, a pygmy, a smurf, a troll, or anything else you must be thinking. Perhaps a touch of hobbit blood? I always liked Rosie Cotton. Sam's girl. Dancing. But, certainly not. I'm kind of like a normal person, only kind of, but miniature. Except my brain. Which is probably bigger than yours. And you can't have it. So go away.
My younger sister is taller than me. By an inch. So is my mother. By an inch. Do you know what that means? It means I'm a runt. That's what that means. But it's cool. I'm over it.
Depending on the brand, my shoe size is between 2 and 4. At normal stores, I have to buy kids shoes. There is only one store that I know of that makes heels for women like me. Cinderella of Boston. If you have freakishly small feet, I highly recommend them. They rock.
I've had the smallest clothes in the laundry for 5 or 6 years already. When the kids do the laundry, they like tossing my shirts back and forth and making jokes about doll clothes. The refuse to touch my panties. I don't make them. But I should. That would be funny.
I can shop in the little girls department for some things, but shirts are tricky. They don't make little girls size clothes cut for size 32C boobs. 32C. Do you know how fucking impossible it is to find bras? Don't ask. Nightmare.
From a very young age, I discovered that there are people in this world who have no qualms about commenting on a complete stranger's height. Kids are great. I love it when they ask me questions. They're so honest. So far, my favorite question of all time is, "Are you a lady or a girl?" COOLEST. QUESTION. EVER.
About a year ago, I was in the grocery store. An older man, easily in his 70s, stopped in his tracks. Turned and looked at me. Stared for a few seconds. I smiled politely, nervously, slightly. And he said, "I hope you don't mind if I say something, and I don't mean to be rude, but you are a beautiful woman. There aren't many women like you, you know. You're such a treasure." Swear to god. A treasure? I didn't think anyone used that word anymore if Dungeons and Dragons wasn't involved. I vacillated between being complimented beyond belief and wondering if he had a midget porn fetish. I didn't ask.
When we are shopping, I frequently hand the boys the car keys and follow them around the store begging for shit and acting like their bratty little sister. So much fun.
I've gotten in trouble for climbing the shelves in Wal-Mart to reach the top. As an adult.
I have no doubt I could get away with beating the fuck outta my kids and claiming self defense. They know this. They don't fuck with me.
It is frequently assumed that I am my husband's daughter or sister when we're in public. He usually doesn't correct them, and then plants a gigantic incestuous kiss right on my mouth. Sick mother fucker.
There is at least 1 ride at Universal Studios that I can't ride. Andrew was very happy about that since he was too scared to ride it. I think he actually bent his knees a little bit so he could be too short, too. That was 5 years ago. He was already taller than me 5 years ago.
I have never owned a pair of jeans that didn't have to be cut and hemmed. Until this past year. Old Navy came out with their skinny jeans. Size 2. NO HEMMING. I was blown away. I actually stood in the mirror and admired my feet for several minutes. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.
I can stretch out and fall asleep in coach.
I can barely reach the bottom shelf in the kitchen cabinets.
I have fallen inside a washing machine head first.
I got a stool for a wedding gift. I still have it.
I can almost lay flat in the bathtub without bending my knees. Almost.
A boy actually told me in the 3rd grade that he couldn't be my boyfriend because I looked like a baby. Fuck you.
And to all of you ass lickin mother fuckers who kept trying to set me up with the shortest guys in school, I'd just like to extend a big fat FUCK YOU. Sorry short guys, but that shit's a no-go for me. I'm sure someone would have a field day psychoanalyzing my insatiable hunger for the tallest, broadest, most neanderthal guy in the room, but tis true. I have a tall boy fetish. Always have.
So there ya go. Now you know. The floor is now open for your comments, questions, porn fetishes, and short jokes. Have a blast at my expense. Go ahead. I know you want to.
18 minions who have sucked on my crap:
OH MY this made me snort. I am laughing my ass off.
And the only thing I would be pissed about at your height would be the rides.
When my teenage daughter wakes up in the morning I will tell her your story. She is 5'1" and hates it hard. I think she's beautiful. She's perfect for cheerleading. She made the team today. we're waiting to find out if its varsity or JV.
I relate to you. I was the smallest boy in my class until 10th grade. I topped out at 5'8" despite every male in my family, save one cousin, being 6 feet tall.
You deal with the ridicule with humor and attitude. so we have that in common. Plus you and I can write our asses off so we have that.
School is horrible. The only way not to be teased about anything is to completely blend in with the crowd - anything that stands out will be pounced on. Too tall or too short, too smart or too stupid, too shy or too outgoing... I'm surprised that people manage to grow up to be just nice enough to one another so that the world doesn't blow up.
THis sucks because I really like you, but I couldn't help but laugh when you said you fell into a washing machine head first. I hope you can forgive, because I totally have a blog crush on you. I just recognize funny when I read it.
BTW I fucking hate when people feel like they can just make whatever comment they want also. I get a lot of that.
I'm 5' 4"; my best friend is 5' 10" and her husband is 6' 11". Their kids (who you see in pics on my blog) are 5 (girl) & 7 (boy). Boy already comes up to my chin & girl is about boob height; in less then 2 years they will both be taller than me. I love it because they can always get the stuff I can't reach & I never lose them in stores or movie theaters.
People have never fucked with me about me height because my attitude adds at least another 4" & when people do grow the balls to say anything I look em in the eye & tell them the reason I'm this short is because if I was any taller I would rule the godamn world & they would already be dead.
Embrace it...eat it up!
Me too! Me too!!!! Well, I'm 4'11 so technically, I'm taller than you! Wohooo! I'm never taller than ANYONE! I feel your pain, I've heard all the short jokes, been called an umpaloompa, midget, you name it, I've been called it! It's so funny how sometimes I feel like I'm a freak show. Last January I took a road trip to New Orleans with some friends. We were in a Honda Civic. I sat in the back. Well, I got sleepy and laid out in the back seat. My friends totally stoped talking and just stared at me. They couldn't believe I fit perfectly! They kept staring at me like I was an animal at the zoo! Biatches that they are! Anyway, you're not alone! :)
@ Lance- Tell her to own it and rock it! You have NO IDEA how much shit a tiny woman can get away with.
@ Rafa- I wouldn't have put it out there if I didn't expect you to laugh. And there isn't a damn thing wrong with a blog crush ;)
Yvonne- You lucky girl, you. I have never found another adult shorter than me. I know they exist, just not on my plane, evidently. I remember when I was little, my dad had a Honda Prelude. Little sporty thing. When he'd come pick us up for his visitation, my sisters and I could all three lay down in the backseat and fall asleep. My youngest sister would crawl in the floorboard and be completely comfortable.
OMG!LOL How long did they stand and laught at you while your legs dangled in the air?
It was 2 mins before my YOUNGER and TALLER step bros pulled me out of the freezer. I kicked them in the balls and ran.
I was actually lucky that day since no one was home. I'd much rather get myself out of that jam than have a witness. I'd have never lived that down. And now I probably won't since it's all over the internet. Joy!
High five from some one who is 4'11 and also gets a lot of shit. I GET you. :)
Ran into an 80 year old Mayan woman at Chichen Itza that was 1.25 meters tall. Roughly translated that comes out to 4'1". Lotsa tiny Mayans it turns out. Wanna be tall? - move to the Yucatan.
I'm 5'2" and my husband is 6'4". I, too, have a tall boy fetish. I do not like short men at all!
1- What was your answer to the coolest question ever?
2- The bathtub thing sounds like a MAJOR perk! Jealous!
Delightful.
I was 4'10" when I finished middle school.
I grew a little late.
I got locked in a glass display case my 7th grade year. I was in there all day. Tall meaty asswipes.
Too bad for them I grew, worse for them that I have a great memory and a revenge gene.
I like short men. They are hot and usually built like a brick shit house in more ways than one.
I'm sure you rock your height better than anyone.
LOL I know a tiny nurse involved in a domestic disturbance who was arrested (with a broken bone) because she was the one chasing her husband when she fell down. When she went to court, she saw another tiny woman there charged with assaulting a much larger man. Maybe the attitude associated with being short makes it plausible?
Short people are awesome! My mom is maybe 5'2", and at 40 I'm still a bit scared of her, and don't get me started on my great grandmother. She might beat my ass right from the grave and she was shorter.
I actually think you sound brilliant.
But that could just be because I counted at least five "fuck you"s in this post and that's one of my most beloved expressions.
It's not creative, but it's so very effective.
I have a thing for tall men as well, but that's just because I refuse to wear anything less than 5 inch heels at any point.
- B x
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