November 25, 2010
Today, I am thankful for my friends Rob and Bobby, who can't be with their beautiful wives and beautiful brand-new daughters because they are busy ensuring the rest of us have a safe place to sleep tonight.
Today, I am thankful for the women who miss them terribly, my friends Annette and Monica, who are spending this day with their precious little girls and thinking of the time when they are old enough to understand that their daddies are super heroes.
Today, I am thankful for my mother, who I am sure is missing her little girls, all 3 of them. I am also thankful she will be here tomorrow to save my sorry ass from what might otherwise be an epic cooking fail.
Today, I am thankful for my little boys, who are big and strong and healthy and smart and have never known hunger, homelessness, war, violence, disease, or death.
Today, I am thankful for a very old friend, one I've just recently begun to know again, an amazing woman who is about to become a mother for the first time, a woman who was with me during the darkest time in my life and held me up so I wouldn't fall. Thank you for being my friend again.
Today, I am thankful for the man who promised to spend the rest of his life with me at an age when neither of us really had any clue as to the magnitude of that promise. If I could go back to the moment we made that promise, knowing what I know now, the good and the bad, I'd say bring it on. You've always taken care of me, and I am honored to have the privilege of taking care of you.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanksgiving is dumb and I want my pizza.
The End.
November 25, 2010
November 21, 2010
Telling The Kids- Demented Style
November 21, 2010
Sarge- "Alright boys, we need to talk."
Boys- "What did we do now?"
Sarge- "No, this is important."
(I run into the room real quick)
Me- "Boys, you're Dad is dying of AIDS."
Boys- "No freakin' way! Does that mean we get all your cool stuff?"
Me- "Hahahahaha......no, really. There's a very good chance your Dad has something called multiple sclerosis. Have you ever heard of it?"
Boys- "Oh crap. Mom's gonna use big words and bore us into an early grave........"
(Mom explains MS)
Sarge- "So, basically, what your mom is trying to say is that from now on, you guys are obligated to wait on me hand and foot for the rest of my life. Isn't that awesome?"
Boys- "Sooooo.....that AIDS thing was just a joke?"
Mom- "Oh, and I might as well warn you. If your dad loses function in his manly parts, I'm going to have to leave. Sorry."
Boys- "Sweet. At least that makes up for the AIDS thing being a joke. Can we go back to totally desensitizing ourselves from any kind of human emotion by continuing to play Call of Duty now?"
Mom- "Not yet. Now I need to talk to you. This is very important."
Boys- "Holy mother of GOD, is this ever going to END?"
Mom- "I need a Christmas list from both of you with at least 10 things on it so I have something to choose from......er....I mean Santa has something to choo.....wait, you guys don't believe in Santa anymore, right? I forget....."
Boys- "Great. Our Dad's got some weird monkey disease and now we have to do homework on a Sunday....thanks Mom.....thanks a pant load.....*grumble, grumble, grumble*....."
(Mom and Sarge proceed to high five each other for yet another brilliant example of straight up AWESOME parenting.)
Sarge- "Alright boys, we need to talk."
Boys- "What did we do now?"
Sarge- "No, this is important."
(I run into the room real quick)
Me- "Boys, you're Dad is dying of AIDS."
Boys- "No freakin' way! Does that mean we get all your cool stuff?"
Me- "Hahahahaha......no, really. There's a very good chance your Dad has something called multiple sclerosis. Have you ever heard of it?"
Boys- "Oh crap. Mom's gonna use big words and bore us into an early grave........"
(Mom explains MS)
Sarge- "So, basically, what your mom is trying to say is that from now on, you guys are obligated to wait on me hand and foot for the rest of my life. Isn't that awesome?"
Boys- "Sooooo.....that AIDS thing was just a joke?"
Mom- "Oh, and I might as well warn you. If your dad loses function in his manly parts, I'm going to have to leave. Sorry."
Boys- "Sweet. At least that makes up for the AIDS thing being a joke. Can we go back to totally desensitizing ourselves from any kind of human emotion by continuing to play Call of Duty now?"
Mom- "Not yet. Now I need to talk to you. This is very important."
Boys- "Holy mother of GOD, is this ever going to END?"
Mom- "I need a Christmas list from both of you with at least 10 things on it so I have something to choose from......er....I mean Santa has something to choo.....wait, you guys don't believe in Santa anymore, right? I forget....."
Boys- "Great. Our Dad's got some weird monkey disease and now we have to do homework on a Sunday....thanks Mom.....thanks a pant load.....*grumble, grumble, grumble*....."
(Mom and Sarge proceed to high five each other for yet another brilliant example of straight up AWESOME parenting.)
November 19, 2010
Monkey Wrench
November 19, 2010
Sarge's CSF testing was positive for oligoclonal bands in a pattern indicative of multiple sclerosis.
Until he has another episode of physical symptoms of MS, he will continue with the diagnosis of clinically isolated syndrome. Unfortunately, he has had optic neuritis, has multiple brain lesions, and now has positive CSF. If he only had one of those things, it wouldn't mean much. Having all three gives him a 60-80% chance of progressing to clinically definite MS within 5 years without treatment. With treatment, his chance of progressing to clinically definite MS within 5 years drops to 30%. Needless to say, he will be learning how to give himself IM injections for the rest of his life. We have chosen Avonex to begin with on the recommendation of his neurologist because it has the lowest dose of interferon and a once-weekly dosing profile, as opposed to hospital-based infusion or multiple weekly injections with Tysabri and Rebif respectively.
Big words and percentages belie the emotion I haven't quite figured out how to compartmentalize. Talk about a monkey wrench......
Sarge's CSF testing was positive for oligoclonal bands in a pattern indicative of multiple sclerosis.
Until he has another episode of physical symptoms of MS, he will continue with the diagnosis of clinically isolated syndrome. Unfortunately, he has had optic neuritis, has multiple brain lesions, and now has positive CSF. If he only had one of those things, it wouldn't mean much. Having all three gives him a 60-80% chance of progressing to clinically definite MS within 5 years without treatment. With treatment, his chance of progressing to clinically definite MS within 5 years drops to 30%. Needless to say, he will be learning how to give himself IM injections for the rest of his life. We have chosen Avonex to begin with on the recommendation of his neurologist because it has the lowest dose of interferon and a once-weekly dosing profile, as opposed to hospital-based infusion or multiple weekly injections with Tysabri and Rebif respectively.
Big words and percentages belie the emotion I haven't quite figured out how to compartmentalize. Talk about a monkey wrench......
November 15, 2010
Stuff I Learned This Weekend
November 15, 2010
1. Sarge smiles at me when I'm not looking. In a, "What are you grinning at?" "Just you...looking over the balcony....*grumbles incoherently*..." kind of way.
2. I'm growing to love that campy tourist town more and more every time we visit. "Love" as in, I wanna move there permanently. In a, "Yes, we live in Myrtle Beach and you don't" kind of way.
3. I much prefer lukewarm water to hot water, and even COLD water to hot-tub-temperature water. Sometime over the past few years, I decided that hot water burns. So, I've literally been taking 5-degrees-shy-of-cold showers for a while now. It shouldn't surprise me that after being in the hot tub for only 3 or 4 minutes, I felt an uncontrollable urge to run out into the ocean in the middle of November.
4. I'm a binge eater when I'm on vacation. In a, "I know I can cram one more slice of pizza, one more doughnut, and one more pint of ice cream down my gullet even though I've already eaten a pint of ice cream, 3 slices of pizza, and 4 doughnuts in the last 3 hours" kind of way. It's pathologic.
5. I'm going to have a very, very difficult time getting used to an empty nest. The minute my mother drove away with my babies Thursday afternoon, my uterus began to ache in a, "I no longer have an identity or purpose on this planet without my offspring in arm's reach" kind of way.
6. I can't freakin WAIT until it's just "Aimee and Chris" again. In a, "There are certain things we talk about with each other that we'd never say to another living soul" and a "there are certain things we know about each other that no other person on the planet knows about" and a "there are certain things we do together that would just never be the same without him" and a "Our flight to Amsterdam leaves approximately 2 hours after the last kid moves out" kind of way.
1. Sarge smiles at me when I'm not looking. In a, "What are you grinning at?" "Just you...looking over the balcony....*grumbles incoherently*..." kind of way.
2. I'm growing to love that campy tourist town more and more every time we visit. "Love" as in, I wanna move there permanently. In a, "Yes, we live in Myrtle Beach and you don't" kind of way.
3. I much prefer lukewarm water to hot water, and even COLD water to hot-tub-temperature water. Sometime over the past few years, I decided that hot water burns. So, I've literally been taking 5-degrees-shy-of-cold showers for a while now. It shouldn't surprise me that after being in the hot tub for only 3 or 4 minutes, I felt an uncontrollable urge to run out into the ocean in the middle of November.
4. I'm a binge eater when I'm on vacation. In a, "I know I can cram one more slice of pizza, one more doughnut, and one more pint of ice cream down my gullet even though I've already eaten a pint of ice cream, 3 slices of pizza, and 4 doughnuts in the last 3 hours" kind of way. It's pathologic.
5. I'm going to have a very, very difficult time getting used to an empty nest. The minute my mother drove away with my babies Thursday afternoon, my uterus began to ache in a, "I no longer have an identity or purpose on this planet without my offspring in arm's reach" kind of way.
6. I can't freakin WAIT until it's just "Aimee and Chris" again. In a, "There are certain things we talk about with each other that we'd never say to another living soul" and a "there are certain things we know about each other that no other person on the planet knows about" and a "there are certain things we do together that would just never be the same without him" and a "Our flight to Amsterdam leaves approximately 2 hours after the last kid moves out" kind of way.
November 11, 2010
"Love".....*giggle*.....*snort*.....
November 11, 2010
Being only a couple of hours away from starting my weekend of unadulterated debauchery and gluttony in Myrtle Beach with my boyfriend who, when I was 16 years old, used to knock on my bedroom window at 2 in the morning carrying a Domino's pizza with extra black olives, I'd like to do something incredibly out of character for me- quote someone. I normally dislike quotes. It almost seems like plagiary or cheating in a way. But today, I'm going to cheat. Because this is pretty dizzying, at least to me. Oh, and it also has the word LOVE in it, which usually makes me squirm in the same sort of way teenage boys squirm when they're folding a load of clothes and encounter their mother's underwear. Anyway, I'm losing focus. So, here are my final words before my wonderfully sinful weekend. Catch ya on the flip side, freaks.
"Death has an opposite, but the opposite is not mere living. It is not courage or faith or human will. The opposite of death is love." -Nando Parrado
"Death has an opposite, but the opposite is not mere living. It is not courage or faith or human will. The opposite of death is love." -Nando Parrado
November 3, 2010
Get Happy, Damn it
November 3, 2010
So you woke up way too late in a piss-poor mood and you wanna know how to get happy? Chill. I got this. Just do what I say and you'll be whistling the Andy Griffith Show theme song in no time.
1. Turn on those groovy new lamps with the iridescent-colored lamp shades and the purple velvet swirlies on them you bought at Hobby Lobby for only 15 bucks. Go ahead. You know they make you wanna giggle and say words like "twinkle." What? You don't have groovy new lamps from Hobby Lobby? Sounds like a mo'fuckin' road trip to me.....
2. Act like a kid. Seriously, when are kids ever pissy? Aside from when they have to do homework, eat anything green that isn't M&Ms, or watch a documentary? So, go do shit your kids do. Play video games. Get into your makeup and make a mess. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Say stuff really, really loud even though you're not mad, you just like hearing yourself say stuff really, really loud. Leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. *Accidentally* bump into someone when you walk passed them and then laugh when they fall down. Okay, don't do that last thing if you have babies or toddlers. That's probably mean. But it's funny when they're teenagers.
3. Now go clean up after yourself. Hopefully you didn't get your makeup on anything you can't clean it off of.
4. Stop thinking you're too old and mature for anything that I am saying to actually make you happy. If you are too old and mature, then that's your #1 problem to begin with.
5. Read a book about the crash of Uruguayan flight 571. Remember that PBJ you just ate? How 'bout that blanket you're lying under on your comfy sofa? Now smile.
6. Pick something on your "shit that needs to get done" list and do it. You've been wanting to redecorate the bathroom, right? Bathrooms are small, so do that! Paint the house; your kids dirty hand prints are disgusting. Buy a new rug and new throw pillows for the couch. Find a really awesome old-timey black and white photo of your great-great grandmother when she was in her 20s wearing an awesome outfit, blow it up, and frame it. Fix that annoying-as-fuck bubble in your kitchen floor linoleum for cryin' out loud. It makes your kitchen look totally low class. Better yet, rip it up and tile the kitchen floor.
7. Find a card you saved from a friend or your husband and read it. There is a reason you saved it. Today is that reason.
8. Go find some barrettes and fix your hair. So what if you aren't going anywhere. Every girl should have cute hair. Now make sure you look at yourself in the mirror every time you walk passed one for the rest of the day. ANYTHING reflective counts as a mirror unless it makes you look fat. Dude, your hair looks totally cute. Your butt's pretty hot, too, even in your sweatpants.
9. Find a city or an awesome hotel within a weekend's driving distance and plan something. Even if you never really go. Look up hotels and things to do there. Find restaurants you want to go to. Leave your "budget mode" at the door. What's the BEST hotel you can find? The one with in-room spa services, beach front rooms, room service, 5-star restaurants in the hotel, indoor pools and jacuzzis. Yep, that one. Now start planning.
10. I've been sitting here for the past hour or so trying to come up with a number 10. It's getting late. I'm working. The day's almost over. All of a sudden, the 13-year-old boy who spent 9 months incubating inside my womb sat down next to me on the couch and laid his head on my shoulder. I reached up and patted his little cheek and kissed him on the forehead. He giggled, said "Ewwwww!" and ran back upstairs to play video games with his brother. Now, I'm definitely happy.
1. Turn on those groovy new lamps with the iridescent-colored lamp shades and the purple velvet swirlies on them you bought at Hobby Lobby for only 15 bucks. Go ahead. You know they make you wanna giggle and say words like "twinkle." What? You don't have groovy new lamps from Hobby Lobby? Sounds like a mo'fuckin' road trip to me.....
2. Act like a kid. Seriously, when are kids ever pissy? Aside from when they have to do homework, eat anything green that isn't M&Ms, or watch a documentary? So, go do shit your kids do. Play video games. Get into your makeup and make a mess. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Say stuff really, really loud even though you're not mad, you just like hearing yourself say stuff really, really loud. Leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. *Accidentally* bump into someone when you walk passed them and then laugh when they fall down. Okay, don't do that last thing if you have babies or toddlers. That's probably mean. But it's funny when they're teenagers.
3. Now go clean up after yourself. Hopefully you didn't get your makeup on anything you can't clean it off of.
4. Stop thinking you're too old and mature for anything that I am saying to actually make you happy. If you are too old and mature, then that's your #1 problem to begin with.
5. Read a book about the crash of Uruguayan flight 571. Remember that PBJ you just ate? How 'bout that blanket you're lying under on your comfy sofa? Now smile.
6. Pick something on your "shit that needs to get done" list and do it. You've been wanting to redecorate the bathroom, right? Bathrooms are small, so do that! Paint the house; your kids dirty hand prints are disgusting. Buy a new rug and new throw pillows for the couch. Find a really awesome old-timey black and white photo of your great-great grandmother when she was in her 20s wearing an awesome outfit, blow it up, and frame it. Fix that annoying-as-fuck bubble in your kitchen floor linoleum for cryin' out loud. It makes your kitchen look totally low class. Better yet, rip it up and tile the kitchen floor.
7. Find a card you saved from a friend or your husband and read it. There is a reason you saved it. Today is that reason.
8. Go find some barrettes and fix your hair. So what if you aren't going anywhere. Every girl should have cute hair. Now make sure you look at yourself in the mirror every time you walk passed one for the rest of the day. ANYTHING reflective counts as a mirror unless it makes you look fat. Dude, your hair looks totally cute. Your butt's pretty hot, too, even in your sweatpants.
9. Find a city or an awesome hotel within a weekend's driving distance and plan something. Even if you never really go. Look up hotels and things to do there. Find restaurants you want to go to. Leave your "budget mode" at the door. What's the BEST hotel you can find? The one with in-room spa services, beach front rooms, room service, 5-star restaurants in the hotel, indoor pools and jacuzzis. Yep, that one. Now start planning.
10. I've been sitting here for the past hour or so trying to come up with a number 10. It's getting late. I'm working. The day's almost over. All of a sudden, the 13-year-old boy who spent 9 months incubating inside my womb sat down next to me on the couch and laid his head on my shoulder. I reached up and patted his little cheek and kissed him on the forehead. He giggled, said "Ewwwww!" and ran back upstairs to play video games with his brother. Now, I'm definitely happy.
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