January 30, 2010

Cabin Fever

Jan. 30, 2010

It's cold here.

Both the boys have spend-the-night company tonight, so it sounds like illegal cock-fighting is going on upstairs. 

We ordered pizza and I felt so bad for the Domino's driver for having to drive in this weather that I gave him a $20 tip.

I made cheesecake brownies.

I'm watching the 6th episode in a row of Family Guy.

Did I mention it's cold here?

January 26, 2010

Anatomy of a Lady -or- Quit Poking Me!

Jan. 26, 2010 

As sure as I am that this subject would normally be conveniently omitted from a woman's personal blog, I feel the need to go right on ahead and cross that TMI line and talk about how my day is going so far.

For various reasons, I found myself lying on an exam table with my feet in those naughty little stirrups this morning.  Mission:  Endometrial biopsy. If you ever find yourself having to undergo this procedure, please do yourself a favor and READ! 


The picture to your left is a very simplified diagram of the gist of a normal endometrial biopsy, assuming all your parts are in the right place.

What this rendering does not reveal is the amount of discomfort involved in this procedure, even with normal anatomy.

What this rendering does not even come close to revealing is the amount of discomfort involved in this procedure when your anatomy ain't right.






Here is a side view of an otherwise normal endometrial biopsy, just in case the first pic wasn't enough to bring up your lunch or make you squeeze your legs together, crinkle your nose, and let out a high-pitched "oh no you won't!"

Nice, huh?

Looking at that relatively tiny uterus sort of puts the exclamation point on the term "9 months pregnant," know what I'm sayin?


Now to the fun part.  Evidently, I have something called a retroverted or "tipped" uterus.  Instead of my uterus being in it's normal position, tipped slightly forward toward the front of a woman's body, mine is tipped backward.  Although this might not cause symptoms, and may even just be a variation of normal, it does tend to cause problems when a doctor attempts to stick a doohickey up in there and fish around.

It does tend to cause problems.

No, it DOES tend to cause problems.

Like, not only does it make the biopsy virtually impossible, BUT IT HURTS LIKE A MOFO.
 

 
 WHOA....wait a second girlfriend.........


No, no, no, I'm not ready!!! 




Yeah, that ain't goin' nowhere up in my junk! 

January 25, 2010

Chocolate Desperation

Jan. 25, 2010

I really hope I'm not the only one who suffers from this.  You know, it's not all the time....just certain times....you know? It gets so bad that, last night, I paid my husband $90 to go to Wendy's and buy me a Frosty-Cino (see my confession below).  No, seriously.  Ninety U.S. Dollars.  Yes, I stuck to my penance and cranked out my 15 miles this morning.  But then, I felt it.  I started pacing the kitchen, throwing open cabinet doors, digging through the fridge, re-opening cabinets I just searched.  I tried to quell my sweet tooth with grapes, but that was a no-go.  Then I began to piece together some odds and ends.  I had a box of fudge marble cake mix, YES! What else?  Okay, there's some instant chocolate pudding, good.  Let's see...oh right, my liquid Ativan- Caramel-flavored Bailey's Irish Cream, excellent!

So here's how it all went down.  I started searching Recipezaar for something, ANYTHING, with these ingredients.  I did find a recipe for a chocolate Kahlua cake, though not exactly what I was looking for.  I dug around in the fridge a little more and decided to do my own little 'speerment. 

Let's make a cake, shall we? Here's what I used:

A box of fudge marble cake.
1 1/2 cups of sour cream
1/2 cup of canola oil
2 eggs
3/4 cup caramel Bailey's Irish Cream
1 (1.3 ounce) box of instant chocolate pudding
1/2 (4 ounce) box of instant vanilla pudding (it's all I had!!)
pinch of powdered sugar on top (I was going to make a butter cream frosting, but...well...didn't feel like it).


When you're using fudge marble cake, you have two envelopes of mix, the regular cake batter mix and then a smaller envelope of fudge mix.  Set aside the fudge envelope and toss everything else in a bowl (except the powdered sugar).  Mix it up with the hand mixer.  Separate about a cup of batter into a small bowl and pour the rest of the batter in a 13 x 9 inch pan.  Mix the reserved batter with the fudge junk.  Spoon it in little spoonfuls all over the top of the cake and swirl it with your butter knife.  Now cook your pan full of desperation on 350 for about 37 minutes (okay, it took me 37 minutes exactly.  I'm just sayin.).

Oh, and don't let your kids lick the bowl.  Seriously.  Don't let your kids like the bowl.  You will be contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Here's my lovely concoction born from uncontrollable hormonal desperation.  Click on it.  It will jump out of your computer, grab you by the throat, and throttle you into alcoholic submission.  Nah, just kiddin'.  It's nice.



As a final aside, be it known that 1 shot glass of caramel Bailey's Irish Cream is 117 calories.  This cake has 3/4 of a cup.  Love does come at a price, you know. 

January 24, 2010

Watch Me Shrink: Coming Clean

Jan. 24, 2010

It's time for some serious confession.  Considering I no longer own a rosary, not even for nostalgia purposes, my penance will have to require some physical discomfort.  So here goes....

Bless me belly, for I have sinned.  It has been around 27 years (give or take) since my last confession. 

I have committed the mortal sin of gluttony.  Just today, 5 minutes ago, I sucked down a Wendy's Frosty-Cino in less time than it took to make the damn thing.

Just last weekend, while in Myrtle Beach with my family, I ate Japanese steakhouse, Coldstone ice cream, Pizza Hut, a plate full of calamari, a McDonald's double cheeseburger kids meal, and Wendy's.

Please forgive me, sweet, bloated belly.  I promise to treat you better next week.

For my sins, my penance will be 15 miles a day on my bike for 5 days straight.

Remember, belly, you are bound by the seal of confession not to discuss my sins outside of the confessional.  I, however, have the right to air my dirty laundry all over my blog if I see fit. 

Please forgive me, sweet, bloated belly.  I promise to treat you better next week.

January 22, 2010

Top Ten Homeschooling Lessons I Have Learned

Jan. 21, 2010

1.  Nine times out of ten, when someone says "I could never homeschool!" or "I just don't have the patience" or "I really wish I could homeschool, but...blah, blah, blah"  what they really mean is "I have absolutely no desire to even attempt to teach my own children and I think you are abso-freakin-lutely crazy for even attempting such a retarded idea."

2.  I am probably abso-freakin-lutely crazy for even attempting such a retarded idea.

3.  My kids, my boys, my homeschooled dorks are THE coolest, THE funniest, THE smartest, THE most down-to-Earth and awesome human beings I have ever had the honor of being associated with.  Every single hair I have lost, every single shred of my sanity that is gone forever, and every single worrisome thought that has festered in my pretty little head has been totally worth it.

4.  Homeschooling will make you bald and insane.

5.  Listen to your children.  Value their opinion.  Have faith in their abilities.  If you want your children to respect you, you must respect them.  Don't lose sight of the fact that you have chosen to teach your own children because they deserve ALL of you. 

"You may house their bodies but not their souls.  For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.  You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you." - Khalil Gibran.


6. The one thing institutionalized schooling completely misses and will NEVER be able to harness is the fact that the easiest, fastest, and most effective way to teach a child is when they want to learn.  WHY can't schools harness this little bit of magic?  Because every child learns differently, every child has different dreams and interests, and every child is motivated by something different.

7.  Overzealous scheduling, organizing, and perfectionism are the antithesis of homeschooling yet, interestingly enough, it's the first mistake every homeschooling parent makes.  It's the same thing that happens to first-time parents bringing home their new bundle of joy.  They have every widget, toy, and knickknack they can get their hands on, the nursery looks like a page out of Better Homes and Gardens, and the phone number to their nearest La Leche League is #1 on their phone contacts.  Then reality sets in.  The same happens with homeschooling.  When reality sets in, parents begin to doubt themselves and their decision.  They beat themselves up and go into panic mode. "WHAT have I done?!"  Dude, chill the fuck out.  Toss the schedule, screw the laundry, and realize that real homeschooling does NOT always look like the perfect image you have in your head.

8.  You're not going to be able to teach your children everything all by yourself.  Use your resources! Is Daddy better at math than you? Are there homeschool co-op classes available in your area (if you can stomach the religion that will undoubtedly be tossed in there)?  Have you checked the internet for online classes or tutoring?  *Gasp* Have you even tried the concept of letting your child learn something on his or her own?  You wouldn't believe how well that can actually work, if you're brave enough to let go. 

9.  After 8 years of raising your children outside of public school, homeschooling morphs from "novelty" status to being just a part of your life.  Your brain will no longer freeze up when people ask you questions about it.  When confronted with the word "socialization," it only evokes laughter, eye-rolling, and comments like "are you serious?"  And when you're at the grocery store in the middle of a school day with the kids in tow and someone asks why they aren't in school and you say "they're homeschooled" and they reply, "Oh..so you're playing hooky, huh?"  You no longer feel the need to explain yourself.  You simply roll your eyes and say "No, they're grocery shopping you idiot."  Okay, so I'm a little more polite than that, but you get the picture.

10.  "Hell if I know" is a completely appropriate response to the question "What grade are they in?"

January 21, 2010

Tummy Love

Jan. 21, 2010

One day, scientists will find a planet made of pot roast, mashed taters, butter beans, and cheesecake brownies.  When they do, I will move there.  I will swim in gravy oceans, climb brownie mountains, and make a cheesecake path lined with butter beans winding through my pot roast garden.  My life will be complete.

January 18, 2010

Still His Babies

Jan. 18, 2010

Our children are 13 and 14 and when it is bedtime, my husband still tells them "it's time to go night night."  He isn't being sarcastic.  The boys don't laugh or tell him to quit treating them like babies.  They simply brush their teeth and go to bed.  Because it's time to go night night.  Duh.

January 11, 2010

Le Sandwich de Marlboro Man

Jan. 10, 2010

The Marlboro Man Sandwich- The Pioneer Woman

I HIGHLY suggest that you not make this recipe.....

...if you are on a diet.

...unless you're inviting me for dinner.

...if you don't like really freakin awesome, rib-stickin FOOD. 

I won't repost the recipe here considering it is not mine and PW does a MUCH better job than anything I could write anyway. 

While you're there, look around a bit.  I like her.  She's nice.

January 10, 2010

I'm Homeschooled: True Life

Jan. 9, 2010
 Update 06/23/2010:  If you have any interest in reading a follow-up post on this, have at it.  Explanations and RevelationsIt probably won't make you any less pissed about my opinions, thoughThe show still sucks.




When Chris flipped the channel and saw this, I was so excited.  Wow, I'll actually get to peer inside the workings of some real-life homeschooling families! That didn't last very long.  This program has to be the most negative portrayal of homeschoolers I have ever seen.  The first indication that something wasn't quite right were the incessant nagging, yapping mothers.  In my experience, parents who have been doing the homeschooling thing for a while have evolved way beyond needing to holler and nag about school work.  The second indication that pretty much confirmed which road this documentary was traveling was the stereotypical scary Christian family.  It was fairly clear at this point that this was in no way going to be a fair, balanced, or informative portrayal of contemporary homeschooling families.  After getting over my initial disappointment, I realized I should take a cue from my own kids and watch this for exactly what it was- entertainment.  My son's comment, "But Mom, seriously, No one wants to see normal.  How entertaining is that?"  So true, little babe. So true.  So, we begin with the nagging, yapping mothers; the poor 16-year-old girl (who was dumb as a box of rocks) who was constantly hounded by her yapping, nagging mother with her lawyer father cracking jokes about her low SAT scores; the christian family terrified of evolution science; and the mother who took her son out of school after her older daughter was assaulted.  This particular mother worked full-time outside the home and his siblings were all grown, so he was home alone all day.  Really? Yes.  Did I mention yapping, nagging mothers?  This lady would call him from work in the morning yelling through the cell phone about his school work.  The poor boy desperately wanted to go back to public school.  After finally convincing his mother to allow him to give it a try, he finds himself in a 10th grade marketing class where his school work consists of basic 1-digit multiplication.  One of the sons in the scary Christian family wanted to go back to public school so that he could play football.  The dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks girl wanted to go back to public school to get away from her yapping, nagging mother.  At this point, it's pretty clear to any viewer with no experience or knowledge of homeschooling that we are all holding our poor, uneducated children captive, away from society, away from friends, away from the world. 

Here's the deal.  The concept of homeschooling has been around for hundreds of years.  Every year that passes, it becomes more and more mainstream.  There are children who were homeschooled who are now choosing to homeschool their children.  We have homeschooled children making blockbuster movies (Eragon).  We have homeschooled children serving their country, in politics, in Ivy League colleges, in community colleges, choosing to be stay-at-home mothers, working as lawyers, doctors, auto mechanics, entrepreneurs, engineers, actors and actresses, office managers, and otherwise completely normal and productive members of society.  Doesn't sound too different from public schooled children, does it?

Homeschooling families have a hard enough time finding their place in the world and trying to validate their choice to society.  We certainly don't need this biased, stereotypical garbage thrown into the mix. 

You would think they would have tossed at least one successful, well-balanced, non-dysfunctional homeschooling family in there.  They had a whole hour to do it!  But no.  There must be drama.  There must be Britney Spears-esque 16-year-old girls saying "like" after every word.  There must be the scary religious cult/family teaching their children that God carved out the Grand Canyon and not the Colorado River.  There must be the yapping, nagging mothers.

Some would ask, "Well, isn't this real life for these particular families?" Yeah. Of course it is.  But it's certainly NOT a balanced cross-section of homeschooling families in America.  How realistic would it be to have a reality show about military families where every wife cheats during deployments, every soldier comes home psychotic, every child harbors deep-seated resentment at being denied a normal relationship with their deployed parent, and every family is on food stamps? 

I have to say, on the one hand it made me feel very good about my family, our successes, our choice, and my children in general.  It made me feel good about those things in the same way it makes me feel superior when I watch Jerry Springer.  Unfortunately, this show - with all its conceptual potential- turned out to be just as big of a freakshow.

I would also like to add that there is a WORLD of difference between a homeschooled kid and a kid who was taken out of school in the 9th or 10th grade and is finishing high school at home.  A WORLD of difference.  Matter of fact, I would even go so far as to say that putting the "taken out of school" kids like this in a TV show about homeschooled kids is just downright misleading.  They've been in school their entire life...until...what...a year ago?  Sorry, no dice.  If you really want to make a TV show portraying real homeschooled kids and their families, please try to find real homeschooled kids next time.  I'm just sayin'....

January 8, 2010

Watch Me Shrink: Staying Warm While Shrinking

Jan. 8, 2010
As much as I love my elliptical, it lives in the garage where it is currently 20 degrees.

Do you know how hard it is to find a stationary bike for someone who is 4 feet 6 inches tall?

*sweatin' again*

January 6, 2010

Happy McBirthday To Me

Jan. 6, 2010

  Don't ask me why I wrote "McBirthday."  I just thought it sounded cute.

Nevertheless.

Today is my birthday.  I am 33 years old today.  I'm pretty sure.  That's what a good friend told me, and I've known him since I was 10, so he probably knows. 

I'm totally psyched because Chris and the boys got me an exercise bike that's small enough to fit in the house, so I can get back to working out.  It has been FAR too cold to use my elliptical in the garage.  My ass is paying the price.

I really, really have a hard time believing I am actually 33 YEARS OLD.  That's tough.  Wow.  I still feel 17.  No, really.  I do not in any way, shape, or form feel like an adult woman.  I guess C-section scars don't lie.  My hips do, though.  They are big fat liars.  My boobs are fairly honest, though.

How I got from McBirthday to talking about my boobs, I have no idea.

Happy Birthday to me.  And my niece.  And, evidently, Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman.  And Joan of Arc.  And Kahlil Gibran.  And Carl Sandburg.  Yay for us!

January 3, 2010

Watch Me Shrink

Jan. 3, 2010
I am going to buy this dress, the teal one, in a size 2.  I need it to fit by the end of April.  I don't know for sure, but I venture to guess it's about 2 sizes too small at this moment, thanks to Thanksgiving, Christmas, the fact that it's cold as a mofo outside (and I ain't workin out in the cold) and general laziness.  I am going to use my blog, that no one reads anyway, to completely humiliate myself by keeping track of my progress (or lack thereof).  I will post pictures.  I might cheat and buy Spanx.  We shall see.

Thirteen Years Ago Today...

Jan. 2, 2010



This is my baby.






 This is my baby with gun.









Happy Birthday, Baby.

January 1, 2010

Lovely Chestnuts

Jan. 1, 2010
Precious Little Wee Piece of Heaven


I haven't had one of these since 2003.  Today, I paid $8 for about 20 of them.  In Korea, I could pick up baskets full off the ground for free.


Boiling them is best. That's how the Korean ladies do it.  They know.




Put it in my belly!